I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
zippers are such a cool invention
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Randomize