Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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