I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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