it glows. i had to have it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
