and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
