Jerry, you need to find god
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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