If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
