i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
