I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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