I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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