i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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