I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
