i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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