Cold hands, warm shart.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
