please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
