why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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