When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
