her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
