He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Everclear isn't food dammit
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
