I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
