I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
