I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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