The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
