She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
