We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
