And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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