and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
