I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize