i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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