I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
