She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize