Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
