can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
