i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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