He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
