I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
