well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
A bitchslap is in order.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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