If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
