I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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