I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
