Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize