I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
