I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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