I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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