Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
