Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
