carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
