my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
