pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
