my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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