we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
is wine microwaveable?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
