I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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