So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There's always time for handjobs
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
