even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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