I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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