someone get that fucking seahorse.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
