I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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