My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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