you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize