Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
