I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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