My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
