So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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