Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
