My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
