put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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