I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
