smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
