i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
